


Shut up and Ki(ss)dnap me

by impatientseamstress



Category: Megamind (2010)
Genre: Brainbots - Freeform, F/M, Family Issues, Kidnapping, Kissing, Now kiss, Panicking, bad decisions made spur of the moment that are actually fantastic ideas, inspired by inhaling all of setepenre-set's works in two days, secret crushes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:48:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25990003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impatientseamstress/pseuds/impatientseamstress
Summary: Roxanne is frustrated, Megamind's timing is terrible, but the kissing might actually be pretty great
Relationships: Megamind/Roxanne Ritchi
Comments: 38
Kudos: 294





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Lipstick](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13578423) by [setepenre_set](https://archiveofourown.org/users/setepenre_set/pseuds/setepenre_set). 



> So I'm halfway through writing a completely different Megamind fic, but shower inspiration struck and this is the reason I got no work done today...

There were times, Roxanne Ritchi thought savagely, wrestling spare sheets down from her wardrobe beside the balcony doors, that being the Evil Queen of Metrocity might actually be worth it.

Like today for example. Just an ordinary day, finishing her breakfast and ready to head down to work when the knock came at her door and there stood her mother.

Her _mother._

Who lived in _Wisconsin._

What the hell was her mother even doing here.

Apparently (and without warning), she had come to do some early Christmas shopping, and had invited herself to stay. Deciding this was an excellent time to stage round forty-six of "This city isn't safe, Roxanne. Come home where we can be together as a family Roxanne. Why don't you stop with this silly reporter nonsense Roxanne. Now that that you let that superhero dump you, you need to find someone to settle down with Roxanne. And on and on and on..."

All her explanations that Metrocity is her home. That she loves her job. That she and Wayne weren't really dating to begin with. That she had actually been doing everybody a public service by _pretending_ to date Metroman so Megamind wouldn't kidnap some unprepared little socialite who wouldn't know when to stop screaming or how to report on what actually happened during the fight (and wouldn't appreciate the skill that goes into building giant robots and she'd never have another intelligent and stimulating conversation in her life) had gone unheard. 

As anything that did not fit in Margaret Collins nee-Ritchi worldview tended to be.

Roxanne buried her face in a spare pillow and screamed silently.

She had to try and get word to Minion or Megamind somehow that he could not kidnap her this week or there would be seven kinds of hell to pay and she'd get guilt-tripped into having to visit Wisconsin for the holidays and miss the Christmas Kidnapping.

Roxanne actually loved the Christmas Kidnapping. The year with the candy cane gun? Her dentist had nearly threatened to disown her.

Minion had met her mother a few years back when he had arrived to kidnap her at a family reunion. It had...not been pleasant. She was fairly certain that was the reason she now owned a very nice and discreet pair of wireless earbuds that had shown up at her door the following day. The black and blue giftwrap may have been a slight giveaway, that and the fact that they seemingly never needed to be charged.

Reaching for the quilt on the top shelf, Roxanne shoved angrily at the suitcases threatening to topple onto her head, imagining strapping her mother to the chair above the alligator pit, or maybe the flaming wheel of death? She would consider her options carefully next time she found herself in the Ee-vil Lair.

Speaking of kidnapping... a quiet _bowg_ from her open balcony had her turning to see a brainbot zipping in to investigate her room. Roxanne's eyes went wide. Oh no, not today, not with her mother in the apartment. Couldn't he at least kidnap her from work? Roxanne huffed and pushed at the suitcases again. 

_Bowg!_ The bot spun its appendages over her bookcase, eyeing her collection of photographs and the Journalist of the Year Award she had won last year. "Shh!" Roxanne hissed, trying to shoo the bot one-handed back out of the room. "Not today okay? I really, really need it to be not today. Go tell him I need a rain-check."

_Bowg?_

The bot floated in front of Designation: Roxanne_Ritchi curiously as she made another attempt to push the suitcase stuck on the lip of the shelf back into place. "220? No you've got the scrape on your jaw...226 right?"

The brainbot _bowged_ happily, Designation: Roxanne_Ritchi recognised him! The flappy sign she was making with her hand looked like when Designation: Daddy wanted them to bring him the wrench to throw. Should he bring her something to throw? But she had a hand stuck and the brainbots were very strict on Play-Is-Only-For-When-Both-Hands-Are-Free-Otherwise-Daddy-Might-Get-Crushed-Or-Electrocuted-Again. But Designation: Daddy will be here soon and- Ooh! He should bring something to Designation: Daddy to throw. Th's was definitely worth flying ahead of the other brainbots.

226 _bowged_ and grabbed at Roxanne's prized Journalist of the Year Award. Toy for throwing? Or maybe snack? Roxanne snatched the base as he flew by. Not that. that was HERS. Seven years of kidnappings and reporting she had EARNED it. 226, surprised, started to tug at the other end of the statue. "Quiet," she hissed, "This isn't a game."

226 sort of tilted, like a confused puppy. But this was Designation: Toy. Metal and plastic and with sharp pointy bits. He tried to tug gently away so he could bring it to Designation: Daddy for throwing. Designation: Roxanne_Ritchi tugged firmly back.

Oh! 226 Knew this game! Subroutine: Tug_O_War was one of his favourites. And if Designation: Roxanne_Ritchi wanted to play now with one hand stuck, it must be okay. Maybe he could get her to play again with his siblings in the lair. Claws wriggling excitedly, 226 pulled back just as Megamind swept through the balcony doors.

Roxanne, one hand braced against the eminent fall of her actually quite heavy luggage collection and the other keeping a firm grip on her Journalist of the Year award, glared.

Not now. NOT NOW! If he kidnapped her now she would never hear the end of it. It wouldn't just be Christmas, her mother would probably try to move in to protect her maidenly (snort) virtue.

Megamind tilted an eyebrow at the tableau. Miss Ritchi did not look happy. But then again he knew how much she prized her Journalist of the Year Award. He would make sure Minion got any scratches out of it once he got it back from 226. He shrugged, ah well, time to get this kidnapping on the road, or hoverbike as it were. He stepped close and drew himself up, preparing to start his ee-vil introduction speech.

Roxanne recognised the signs of an eminent ee-vil monologue. No no NO! If she let the luggage go, it was either going to brain her or her mother would investigate the fall. If she let her award go, she was never getting in back in one piece. And if her mother heard Megamind in her apartment she was never going to get to live alone again. And she would NOT be screaming.

No hands, no time, no options. Roxanne leaned forward and pressed her mouth against Megamind's, silencing the start of his "Aha! we meet again Miss Ritchi" spiel.


	2. Chapter 2 (the one with the actual kissing)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kissing and screaming and brainbots! Oh My!

Megamind froze. This was not how things were supposed to go. Not that it was not unwelcome. Definitely not. It most certainly hadn't featured in any number of inappropriate dreams or private fantasies about his delightfully infuriating Damsel-not-in-Distress. Absolutely not.

He reared back. She had probably been trying to headbutt him. It was embarrassing enough this had happened by accident. He opened his mouth to attempt some sort of apology or offer to throw himself out the window and never speak of this ~~glorious treasured impossible~~ moment ever again.

Roxanne's mouth chased him, not letting him speak. His mouth...hadn't been what she was expecting really. She actually thought she might have to bite his lip to keep him quiet. Instead, his lips were soft and uncertain and, she kissed him again, tasted almost sweet.

Once might have been a fluke, twice was deliberate. Megamind swept a hand along her neck, cradling Miss Ritchi's face in one hand, the other frozen holding the de-gun and kissed her like she was the ocean and he would drink her to the last drop.

He poured himself into her mouth. The kidnappings were far to few and far between. He had been looking for something to expend his energy and intelligence on that wasn't the latest death-ray or resolving turf disputes between lesser criminals or battle-defeat-jail-escape, battle-defeat-jail-escape for _so long_. When did supervillainy start to feel like work? But here, now, with Miss Ritchi leaning into his touch and kissing him like the world would end if he ever stopped. This was something that he would gladly focus on forever. His thumb grazed along the line of her jaw and Roxanne made a soft keening noise into his mouth.

Roxanne's arm was starting to ache from holding up the suitcases. But that didn't matter. This was... 

_Oh._

It was like being the emergency report broadcasting on all stations...

It was opening the present most likely to be a self-help book from under the tree and finding it was a first edition Little Women...

It was like being the central star in a solar system...

God if she'd known he could kiss like this her abductions would have gone very differently. With a shove, she pushed the rest of the luggage mostly back onto its shelf. Uncaring that a square makeup case clattered and bounced to the floor she wound her suddenly free arm around Megamind's shoulders, nails scraping lightly at the nape of his neck. Megamind _shuddered_.

Roxa-aanne?" Her mother's voice called from the kitchen downstairs, "Is everything alright? Do you have those sheets for the couch yet? Really dear you should think about moving back to Wisconsin, I'm sure you could get a house with a lovely spare bedroom for the same price this," a sniff, "..place must be costing you."

Roxanne pulled back and hissed vehemently " _Fuck!_ " Her mother was _downstairs!_ _How could she forget that_ . Face burning in mortification, She looked up at Megamind pleadingly, "Be quiet please."

Megamind stilled, brain rapidly calculating the implications of what sounded like Margaret Collins nee-Ritchi in Roxanne's apartment when he just so happened to kidnap Miss Ritchi only for her to...to...

~~_Fulfil years of unrequited fantasies_~~ She wouldn't...  
~~~~

~~_Kiss him like she was fire and he was air_~~ She couldn't...

_Doesn't matter, doesn't matter how was he supposed to_ breathe _around this supernova in his chest?_

Stars burn and then they go out.

Trap him.

He frowned, his hand drifting from Roxanne's face to grip the wrist circling his neck. "I think, Miss Ritchi," he began slowly, dangerously, "We had best postpone today's' kidnapping."

"But-"

"No, Miss Ritchi." His voice was low and, shit he actually looked angry. She was so used to the spikes and the leather that she had forgotten how violently terrifying that vindictive smile could be. "Had you wanted me to leave silently that could have been arranged. Had you told me your mother was visiting matters could have been organised. I did not need you to start something that would brand me even more of a monster and that you had no intention of-" he cut himself off with a growl.

"No intention of what?" Roxanne's knees, she definitely had knees, they were there when she woke up this morning, were doing less to support her than they ought. She wanted to go back to twelve seconds ago, before her stomach had dropped out and she was still licking inside his mouth. Or back even further if she had been smart enough to slam the door in her mothers' face this morning instead of letting her inside. Shit, she was probably looking at him like some lust-addled teenager.

Megamind's smile twisted angrily, "This is already a wasted day. Drop the award 226, let's go." _Bowging_ sadly, 226 abandoned the tug-o-war game. 

"Megamind..." Roxanne hesitated, he looked at her flatly, her arm still caught in his grip.

"Roxaa-aanne?"

"Everything's fine Mother!" she trilled in her best fluff reporting on the best cat and owner lookalike competition tone, "I'll be right down!"

"Miss Ritchi," Megamind growled. "As a super-villain and head of the criminal empire of this city I have done any number of unsavoury things. But I have never lowered myself to the kind of base assault you have tried to have me caught out in today."

Roxanne stared. What. He thought she had - done this to make it look like assault? By him? That was ridiculous of course he wouldn't try to- he was always a gentleman- why would anyone assume?...

Mother would.

Everyone would.

Fuck.

The barely suppressed fury in his eyes as she looked up at him nearly stopped her. "Okay this really wasn't how this was supposed to go."

"No?" one eyebrow went up.

Roxanne stepped closer, hearing Megamind's sharp intake of air as the gloved hand still griping her wrist brushed against her clavicle. Her voice was rapid, quiet, only filling the warm air of her breath between them as she tried to explain.

"I kissed you remember?" she gestured with the statue she was still gripping, then realising what she was holding tossed it towards the bed, 226 caught it gleefully. "Actually no, it wasn't supposed to be a kiss. I was trying to stop you from monologue-ing and making my mother find us up here where she would definitely scream and then everything would go to hell. And I'd never hear the end of it."

Megamind stiffened as his gloved hand skimmed the front of her throat. _Not even supposed to be a kiss...holding his arm against her neck...what the fuck did she think she was playing at..._ with immense effort he tuned back in to Roxanne's whispered torrent of explanation.

"I just... she showed up from fucking Wisconsin, no warning, nothing. And she hasn't shut up about pushing me to move back there and seriously has Minion told you what my mother was like at the reunion? Thanks for getting me out of that one by the way-" Roxanne was aware she was babbling. Shit she needed to make him understand. This wasn't a trap, it hadn't even been intentional! She certainly hadn't meant it to look like he was the kind of super-villain that abused his damsels. She knew him better than that. Shit fuck she had assaulted him when he wouldn't so much as lay a finger on her during a kidnapping. Kind of. Apart from the knockout spray and tying her to a chair but she was pretty sure that Minion was always there as chaperone? Which was weird. That was weird right? What the fuck had happened to her moral compass when was a kidnapping more consensual than shoving your tongue in the mouth of a guy who'd never so much as indicated he found your species attractive?

"And I swear, _I swear_ I was going to let you know somehow because I don't want to miss the Christmas Kidnapping which I _will_ if she finds you here because she'll haul me off to Wis-fucking-consin and never leave me alone again and then 226 came showed up and I panicked and I couldn't let her hear you and I needed you to be quiet so she didn't come up the stairs and-" 

Megamind hissed a frustrated sibilant sound. Alien harmonics distorting in her ears, Roxanne went silent. She should not find that attractive, should she. Not when she was pretty sure he was justifiably angry in her forcing herself on him and he was leaning over her wrapping anger and villainy around himself like one of his capes. 

"She knows I kidnap you Miss Ritchi."

"Of course she does, she's been trying to use it to get me to move back with her for years! Years. Megamind. Do you know how many opportunities for female journalists there are in Wisconsin? Hal would probably have better luck than me. But she doesn't know you know where I live, she just thinks I'm a stupid little girl who goes out for coffee too often. If she found you here she'd probably use it an an excuse to have me declared mentally incompetent and have me shipped back to live with her forever and I would die. I would literally die there Megamind. The boredom would suck the life out of me so fast you would think I'd been hit by the Ageing Ray. And nothing as exciting as living in Metro City or being kidnapped by you would ever happen to me ever again." She gestured helplessly "I panicked, I couldn't think of anything else to do and well..." she trailed off, biting her lip.

Megamind relaxed, marginally. _Not intentional. Just the best of a bad set of options. Well he was the best at being bad wasn't he?_ "Well then Miss Ritchi," he huffed a strangled laugh, "Consider me adequately silenced." He released her arm and turned to go, de-gun clutched tight in his fist.

Wait

Fuck

Roxanne grabbed his arm and pulled him back, swallowing again at the brilliant green anger in his eyes "I'm sorry. It wasn't fair of me to put you in that situation. I panicked, that's not an excuse, but I never even asked if it would be alright," she made herself release his arm tucking her hands around her elbows. "Even during the kidnappings you've always been really good at making sure you respect my physical boundaries. I should have given you the same courtesy. It wasn't right for me to force you to kiss me when you didn't want too."

"Never aske-" Megamind dragged his empty hand down his face, making a sound that didn't know if it wanted to be a laugh or a scream "Infuriating woman! Didn't want -of course you-" he descended into hissing syllables again _didn't want to force me, she had no idea the effect she has...apologising for a_ kiss _when I threaten her with death-rays on a regular basis...she thinks the kidnappings are exciting..._

Roxanne was still watching him uncertainly. He pressed the heel of his palm into his brow and made an effort to collect himself.

"Miss Ritchi," His voice was almost ragged, "I have no idea where you got the frankly ridiculous impression that I don't _want_ you. Your explanation that this was to prevent an apparent fate of literally dying means I certainly do not _blame_ you for your agony of the moment decision." He sighed, suddenly sounding so, so tired, green eyes dull as beach glass, "However, as I previously stated, you have already shut me up. Though I doubt this conversation is helping things stay quiet. So if you don't want your mother screaming then I should go."

Okay. Okay! He didn't blame her for the kiss! Problem solved! Except...

"It wasn't just to shut you up."

He froze again. _Leave. Leave now with her taste still on your lips before she confirms it was a mistake and she never wants to see you again and you can pretend this ache in your heart feels like hope._

"I mean, like I said, it was at first. Only...it was really um, wow, and you kind of...caught me off guard? I mean, if you hadn't been so good at it I definitely wouldn't have gotten distracted! Hell I was ready to throw you on the hoverbike myself and fly us back to the Lair" Roxanne slammed her hand over mouth and suddenly wished she could turn the de-gun on herself. Life as a cube would be better than this right? Six sides, avoid water, no messy implosion of green eyes and kisses like starlight...

Megamind stared at her, "It was..." his mouth worked silently for a moment "Good?"

Roxanne groaned and gripped her hair like she was trying to pull it out "Yes."

"Not a trap?"

"No of course not! What part of don't get caught did you miss?" 

"And you...wanted to keep going?"

"Yes!"

"...why?" Oh that was too quiet, too lost. _She'll think I'm pathetic, get out get out get out GET OUT_

"Because when you kissed me I felt like the universe was dancing under my skin!" Roxanne burst out.

There was a beat.

They say to repeat the same action over and over and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. 

It is also, however, the foundation of repetition science.

Megamind _moved_. Suddenly Roxanne was pressed against the wall opposite the bedroom door. Pinned by hunger and strength and lips and teeth, and hands so gentle like they were afraid they would burn if they touched her. Both arms free this time she fisted her hands into the edges of his cape and surged into the kiss.

"Roxaa-aane?" The bedroom door pushed open, there was a scream. "My baby! Unhand her at once you monster!"

Roxanne and Megamind sprang away from the wall, the former pushing the later behind her as though her arm could protect him from a rampaging mother. 

_Bowg?_ 226 dropped the Journalist of the Year Award and flew about the room. Screaming! The screaming was always fun. But this screaming hurt his audio input. Designation: Daddy looked upset and Designation: Roxanne_Ritchi looked...

226 swerved and hid behind Daddy's cape. Designation: Roxanne_Ritchi had not looked like this before. The bots had an anger ranking system for Designation: Roxanne_Ritchi. Rank One was annoyed (no caffeine), Rank Two was irritated (see Designation: Camera_Guy), Ranks Three through Seven were for kidnappings, depending on the level of danger and time it was taking for Metro-Man to show up. Rank 8 was for when Metro-Man did show up but right when Daddy was about to give up and untie Miss Ritchi so they could play Scrabble. 

The ranking system for the days when Metro-Man didn't show up was entirely different. The brainbots liked those days. On those days if they kidnapped Miss Ritchi from the office she always had a box of paperclips in her bag for them to crunch.

The bots did not speak of Rank 9 when Designation: Roxanne_Ritchi's shoe had accidentally wound up in the alligator pit (Designation: Non-Flying Snappy Friends). Instead She looked like when Daddy found Psycho Delic (Designation: Purple_Meanie) hovering around the women's shelter outside his patch on 34th street. The bots didn't have a Rank Ten yet, but 226 took it upon himself to designate this as Rank Twelve and sent out an alert to all its siblings, updating them of the status.

Roxanne Ritchi was furious.

Her mother was still screaming, clutching the doorway "My poor Roxie what is he doing to you?"

"Nothing." Roxanne bit out acidly, "That I don't already want. And unlike some people, he is actually welcome here."

Margaret Collins screeched. "But he's-you- How could you do this to yourself! what will the neighbours think? How could you do this to me?" She drew herself up, volume raising, "This stops right now young lady, I'm taking you back to Wisconsin where you can be saf-"

"Shut Up Mother!"

"Roxanne!"

Roxanne whirled grabbing for the de-gun, Megamind jerked back so she gave up trying to pull it away from him, instead laying her hand over his and fumbling with the control. _Why did he always have to leave the safety on dammit he was always so careful with his tools_ \- She pressed back against Megamind's chest, arms aligned and fired.

A small blue cube dropped to the floor where Margaret Collins nee-Ritchi had been screaming.

"Finally." Roxanne released the de-gun and let her head thunk back against Megamind's shoulder, then shifted slightly towards his chest where there were fewer spikes. She tilted her head up to look at his shocked face. Do you think it would be too evil if I stuck her in a Ziploc bag and borrowed 226 to fly her back to Wisconsin?"

Megamind was staring at her with an indescribable look on his face "You... evil...what?" his arm buzzed from her hand sliding over his to use the de-gun... _Nothing I don't already want_ "226 cant go that far..." he managed _Shut up you idiot shut up shut up shut up_

"Damn."

_Bowg?_ 226 floated over and scooped up the cube, dropping it in Designation: Roxanne_Ritchi's outstretched hand. She weighed it thoughtfully in her palm for a few moments, then tossed it to land on the bed. "That is a problem for later then."

"It...is?"

"It is." Roxanne said firmly.

Megamind still looked like he didn't quite know if this was allowed to be happening, "Perhaps...a troupe of brainbots? I could build you a long distance version-"

"Megamind?" Roxanne turned towards him again, sliding her hands under his collar. She smiled, wicked and delighted.

"...Yes?"

"Shut up and kidnap me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End! My apologies to wisconsin, I'm sure its a lovely place? I do have more unrelated Megamind fic ideas in the works so keep an eye out if you liked this one...
> 
> If you liked it let me know <3


End file.
